16 THINGS EVERY NEW MOM ACTUALLY NEEDS

1. AMAZON PRIME MEMBERSHIP
Because who has the time to change out of that sweatshirt you’ve been wearing for 3 days, load a baby in the car and drive to a store? Not you. That's who. Also, all Amazon Prime Members are "Amazon Moms" and get 20% off diapers and save money on all kinds of subscriptions to paper plates, toilet paper, Motrin, etc . SO SIGN UP and never have to leave the house!

2. NIPPLE CREAM
Never underestimate the pain of a cracked or chapped nipple. Lather your nips up with Lanolin or BoobyEase and try your best to not feel like the prized diary cow at the fair.

3. AT LEAST 3 GOOD NURSING BRAS
We’re talking industrial… no frills, no cute patterns, no underwire type bras... like Bravado. Anything with an underwire will make you hate life. And why at least 3? Because long gone are the days of wearing the same bra for a week straight...because babies spit down your cleavage...and breast milk sours. 

 

Warning: Probably won't look like this gorgeous model while wearing it.

Warning: Probably won't look like this gorgeous model while wearing it.

4. REUSABLE NURSING PADS
Sure you can get the disposable kind, but be very sure you aren’t going to accidentally put the sticky side on your nipple in your sleep deprived haze…and then have to rip it off the next morning and curse the world. Be VERY sure. And save the environment or something. Here's some organic ones in case you're feeling crunchy.

5. A BURP BLANKET
Forget the measly waste-of-space things called “burp cloths”. Spit up will completely bypass it. Your baby will laugh at the suggestion. In fact, your baby will likely spit up everywhere besides the burp cloth. Get a blanket. Keep it real. You can buy these or just use all those extra dish cloths in your linen closet you never use.

6. THIS TANK TOP
For all the people who ask “When are you going to get back to the gym”? Breastfeeding is cardio. Also, it's an easy access tank top for popping your tit out. You can find it here on Etsy.

7. SWADDLES WITH ZIPPERS OR VELCRO
Babies are Houdini’s. Hands will break free, legs will sneak out…strap them in with velcro and bask in the sleep you’ll be getting. I still prefer zippers to velcro, because velcro LOVES destroying my clothes in the dryer. Woombies FTW!

8. NOSE FRIDA
Because trying to pick your baby’s nose turns into a game of thumb war that you will never win. Nasal aspirators are useless if you have a baby that...moves...at all. And there’s just so many boogers...so many Check it out.

9. THE BATH CADDY
So your knees don’t get bruised [and make you feel like a two bit hooker.] Trust me, it's not a "luxury" item. You can buy it here with your new Amazon Prime Membership.

10. PRIMO ERUOBATH TUB
No blooming flowers in your sink, no make-shift DIY Pinterest "laundry basket tubs" for your toddler...this is the only bath tub you'll ever need. And I'm cheap.

11. BABY MIRROR
For the part of you that needs to compulsively check that your baby is still breathing at all times. You can go basic...or go fancy.

I mean...look how happy this woman is!

I mean...look how happy this woman is!

12. ONSIE EXTENDERS
What they don't tell you is that your baby grows fast. Super fast. And all of those adorable outfits you bought end up with the tags on them... in a trash bag... in your garage. This genius extender can add 2-3 months to the life of your clothes. Worth it.

13. EYE MASK
Not some cutesy silk one with hearts on it. I'm talking about the hardcore heavy duty 50 Shades of Grey ones you buy at sex shops. The ones that block out any line of sight possible. It is the only way you'll be able to nap at 11 in the morning with the sun beaming down on your face.
This one also happens to make you look like Batman!
 

14. GRIPE WATER
Babies are not born masters of their bowels. They struggle to fart and burp...and poo. And if you're like me and prefer to not give your baby medicine in the first few months of his/her life...get gripe water. We're talking ginger and fennel, baby! Yummm

15. A VETERAN MOM FRIEND
Someone you can text at 3am instead of rushing to the ER over everything. Someone you can ask questions like "Is it ok even he drank blood from my nipple or do I need to get his stomach pumped so he doesn't turn into a Vampire?" OR any series of questions that start with "Is this normal?"

Here's my friend and her daughter.

Here's my friend and her daughter.

16.GLASS OF WINE
Because life will never be the same again. Here's my recommended wine glass.

Oh and like several cases of water...by your bedside AND things you don't have to cook like nut bars, bananas...AND patience, a sense of humor...SHIT...actually there's a million things you need. Good luck and may the gods be ever in your favor!

If you're looking for the cleavage skydiver necklace, you've come to the right spot. Here ya go!