HOW TO NAIL MOTHER'S DAY

If you're reading this, it's because someone pushed you or your child out of their vagina...and you're trying to find the best way to say thanks. Well you're in luck.  I can tell you exactly what every mom wants.

1. SLEEP - Whatever it takes...give her sleep. Get a bottle ready, move the dogs to another room, hang those damn blackout curtains you've been promising you'd get around to and for the love of god turn off the 6:45AM work alarm you forget to turn off on weekends. Sleep is the most rare gem in and across the land. All other moms will gaze upon you and be like oh wow...look at that husband...he gave his wife sleep. She's so lucky. And it's true. She is.

2. GOOD FOOD - Because she probably lives off leftover apple sauce and veggie poofs most days. Because she MAKES FOOD WITH HER BODY and still finds time to cook you dinner. So put on your chef hat, google a recipe and make her a grown up meal...with spices... and pecans or something. 

3. WINE - no explanation necessary

4. MASSAGE - I can't think of a mom who wouldn't want this. If your'e strapped for cash, then watch a few youtube videos, bust out the coconut oil, "sounds of the ocean" and try your best to tame your boner. Give her a no strings attached massage that lasts longer than 30 minutes. The great thing about a massage is.. if it's terrible...she can always just use the music and dim lighting to do #1.

5. PAMPER - I don't care if its a blow out, manicure, pedicure, facial or all of the above...let her feel human again. Let her look pretty for an hour before she ends up with her hair tied in a messy bun playing a game of poo or chocolate?

6. SOMETHING SENTIMENTAL - Every new mom dreams of the macaroni necklace, footprint card or whatever cheesy art project you can find on Pinterest. This is your chance to shine...this is your moment... and save money on a store bought card. 

7. APPRECIATION - Go beyond "Happy Mother's Day" and "I Love You"...try specifics. Such as Thanks for changing the Diaper Genie 3 times a week. Thanks for not sleeping the past 8 months, so that I could. Thanks for letting a baby take over your body. Thanks for being a trooper on the nipple front. You know...things like that.

8. LET HER FALL ASLEEP FIRST - There's something to be said about not feeling like you have to close out the night for the household 365 days a year.

9. TAKE OVER A ROUTINE - You do bathtime for once...or you feed the baby dinner. You feed the dogs...you take them to the groomers. For one day...you do it.

10. CLEAN - Clean the dishes, scrub the toilets, wash, dry AND fold the laundry...extra points if you do it in skimpy underwear.

11. TAKE HER PHOTO - Chances are theres a million photos of you and her offspring and none of her, since she's always taking the photos. Don't ask...just snap photos all day every day and let her find the one gem to save forever. Never under any circumstances do a low angle shot.

12. VITAMIN D - Chances are she's held up in the house at least 5 days a week. A slave to laundry, cleaning, nap time...or she looks so haggard she won't dare leave the house in fear of scaring the neighborhood children. So take the family to the park, the zoo or anywhere she can feel the sun on her face. 

It's really that simple. Mom's don't need jewelry, flowers or overpriced chocolate. They want a decent night sleep, a bottle of wine and someone to rub her feet and say "Thanks...I see you and all that momming you do" You may be a father who works hard every single day, but just remember that she does too...only never has a day off...or night off. Be a hero...but don't forget the wine...and the sleep. Never forget the sleep.