TALES OF MAKING MOM FRIENDS

TALES OF MAKING MOM FRIENDS

"Let me be completely honest here. Before I even had a kid it was awkward making friends. Pretty much once you leave school, your only options are 'people at work' or 'friends of friends'. And guess what? Sharon from HR and Monica’s friend Karen…aren’t always the coolest. So yes…In the past, I’ve found myself googling things like “adult kickball league”, “small dog play groups” and “where do cool adults hangout”."

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HAVING A CHILD AFTER LOSING A SIBLING

It was the day of my very first ultrasound …and there we were, my husband and I, in a cold doctor’s office, incredibly confused. See, despite what I’d seen on television and in movies, the scene was very different. There were no gentle gel squirts on my belly, while my husband lovingly held my hand. Oh no no no no NO! The picture was more like… me wearing a sandpaper gown while laying on my back with my feet in stirrups as my gyno shoved a very lube-saturated wand up my vagina. Not quite the romantic moment I’d been sold. And can I just say…they should 100% tell you that on the phone. They should tell you that at your first ultrasound, your husband will watch you get a pap smear and wand shoved up your vagina. That he’ll feel so awkward he’ll stand off to the side with his arms folded, thanking the lord that he was born with a knob and bollocks. But despite the wand, the awkward position, and the extra large dollop of lube that fell out of my vagina onto the floor…when I saw the heartbeat…and heard the heartbeat…that was it. I was a mom.

And that night as I went to sleep, I started to feel all the emotions that a mom feels…but mainly worry and fear. Fear of miscarriage, worry that something could go wrong, fear of abnormalities, worry if I’d left the hair straightener on…the usual. I could go on for hours about the things a pregnant mother worries about. Just know, you spend many sleepless nights worrying. And throughout pregnancy and after birth…you continue to worry. You worry every single day if they’ll be smart, kind, healthy…all he usual. What you probably don’t worry about every single day, though…is if today’s the day your child is going to die.

It took me a while to realize where this deep visceral fear was coming from. For some reason the obvious didn’t, well…. seem obvious. When my brother died 10 years ago at age 18, I mourned him like a sister. I cried thinking about all the memories we had. I cried harder for all the memories we’d never make…that he’d never meet my husband, be at my wedding, meet my children. I grieved my partner in crime, my childhood and all the things he’d never experience like falling in love, becoming a father and Doctor Who coming back to television. I grieved him like a sister. We all grieved, but we all grieved differently. A father for his son, a grandparent for his grandchild, a friend for his friend…

and a mother for her son.

A mother for her son….Ugh. See that is the reason why I’m so scared my son will die. Because the day I gave birth, I felt the loss of my brother all over again, as a mother. For the first time I was in a mother’s shoes. I had just spent 10 months growing this life inside me. Before anyone met him, I felt his kicks, his hiccups, his very strong uppercut to my left rib. For 10 months it was just him and me….two peas in one very literal pod. Every food I ate, drink I drank and breath I took, gave him life. He was a part of me. No one can ever explain a mother’s love. It can not be put into words. All I knew was, if he were to ever die…I would die. 

The thought of my son dying haunted me. I mean, how is there any coming back from that? That he could be alive and laughing one day…and gone the next. No warning, no goodbyes, just…gone. This life that grew inside of me? When I realized what my mother had actually gone through, I got so scared I puked. And that’s really when it all started. This cycle of fear…begging god every night that it doesn’t happen to me. That I don’t ever have to experience the pain of losing a child.

Losing a sibling gives you the unfortunate front row seat… to a mother losing a child. But more than that, you get a front row seat to mortality. That the idea of mortality is no longer just an idea. Its very real and very possible. To an extent, I'm sure losing anyone would give you this perspective. The difference being, when they're young, when it's too soon, you understand how fleeting life can be. And now every time I read an article or hear a story about a child dying from leukemia, SIDS, falling furniture, alligator attacks, dry drowning, choking, car crashes…every single time I feel the walls close in on me. I worry, am I next? Or will I be one of the lucky ones? I flash forward in my mind to his death, the funeral, the pain and that visceral fear of it all takes over and puts a lump in my throat.

What they don’t tell you about losing a sibling and then having a child, is that you have thoughts about things other parents probably don’t. You wonder if you should have a second ...or third child, in case one of them dies. You think about the age of your sibling’s death as some finish line you hope to make it past. You wonder if any days beyond that are just borrowed time. You obsess over CPR classes, the Heimlich and the quickest route to the ER. 

I hope that one day, I’ll be able to buckle his car seat and not fear that today’s the day someone might hit my car and he won’t survive. I hope that one day, I’ll hand him a piece of food and not fear that he might choke and turn blue. I hope that one day, when he sleeps in past 7AM, that I won’t fear its because he’s died in his sleep. That I won’t be trembling as I approach his crib, that he might be cold. I hope that one day, I won’t think about age 18 as some ticking time bomb or countdown. I hope that one day he’ll be old and grey having lived the most fulfilling life he could…and that I’ll finally be able to breathe. 

I WATCHED A MAN...SHIT IN A BOX

I WATCHED A MAN...SHIT IN A BOX

"With nowhere else to go but forward... we rolled up next to him, like a topless jeep on a Safari observing the animals…everything was in slow motion. I was in shock.  I mouthed “Issssss thaaaaaat guyyyyyy taaaaaaaking aaaaaa shiiiiiit? (b/c we’re still in slow motion) Anthony replied, "Yeeeeeeesssss Iiiii belieeeeeeve heeeee isssss" I was mortified, but couldn’t look away.  I could see his asshole hairs."...

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BOWIE, BIKES AND BOOBS

BOWIE, BIKES AND BOOBS

"In Los Angeles we have bicycle lanes. It’s roughly 3-4 feet that runs along side the normal car lanes, where bicyclist can mince around freely…not impending upon foot traffic on the sidewalk nor cars on the road. It’s nice. Except when an asshat on his bicycle decided he didn’t want to go in the bicycle lane. No…his yellow spandex onesie and black helmet must’ve made him impenetrable."

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TAKE ME TO CHURCH, YO!

TAKE ME TO CHURCH, YO!

"I said I would work out this week…and I did. Every effing day…i did. And to think… only 77 more days to go. FML lol I live-streamed my workouts on FB and have been blogging all about it in my new HEALTH section. If you want to jump on in with me, you should, because I’m 98% certain I’m working out alone…and well... that’s kind of embarrassing. Either way, I’m gonna keep going. Exercising has been a game changer. It’s been the hot new social hour with all my internet friends and it’s fantastic."

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PURGING ALL THE BLAH

PURGING ALL THE BLAH

"The monotony of being a Stay At Home Mom can really grate on you. It’s like the movie Groundhog Day.…only a lotmore poo and a lot less Bill Murray. My life has become predictable. So predictable, I can time Killian's morning shit down to the minute. Actually...I'm pretty sure my own poos have got on a schedule too."

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MOM JEANS

MOM JEANS

"I told myself I would never "dress like a mom” or have “mom hair”. I would never lose my identity in motherhood. But there I was this morning…standing in the mirror looking back at a total mom. I mean I haven’t reached full broach-wearing status…but I’m arguably, one Pandora bracelet away from some hipster calling me "Ma'am"...

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